A Glimpse Of A Life Not Chosen

-When I lay in my bed and the phone call from the police officer replays over and over in my head.

-When the mail that was once addressed to a young and alive ‘Christiano Barbosa’ is now addressed to ‘The Estate of Christiano Tre’ Barbosa.’

– When the medical bills are coming as often as the college acceptance letters once did.

– When that letter from a fellow college student that attended Bryant came in to tell me what a wonderful man he was. 

– When I had to close out his bank account – the same account that I helped him open a few months before. 

– When the phone rings and the caller on the other end asks to speak him. 

– When the phone doesn’t ring at all.

– When my children are crying themselves to sleep at night.

– When my husband tells me that he tried to call him because, for just one second, he forgot he was gone. 

– When I have to remind myself that he is never coming back.

– When I read the book written by a grieving father who shares his deepest emotions.

– When the images of his lifeless body somehow sneak in when I’m least expecting them.

– When I wonder ‘how I can prevent anything bad from happening again?’

– When I have to overcome fear, just to allow my children to ride the bus.

– When a pipe bursts in the business we own and we have to spend money and time we don’t have.

– When friends come to help us with no expectations.

– When I don’t want to get up out of bed or see anyone, but that right friend comes along. 

– When I want to see certain people, but they’re not coming. 

– When I feel so misunderstood, but don’t have the energy to help anyone get it.

– When people take me as I am, no strings attached.

– When I can’t avoid the mess that’s become of our life.

When the woman at Dunkin’ Donuts asks me where I’ve been and cries when I tell her. 

– When I can’t seem to bring myself to the grocery store, but I know we need food.

 – When Wiss calls and, having no idea, asks ‘do you need anything at the market?’

– When we have to make vital decisions regarding our future. 

– When we want to stop life for a second, and shut everything off.

– When I just wish I could have one more day with him.

– When guilt just won’t stop and I question everything regarding my parenting. 

– When I question how I will ever be able to see the other children go off to college.

– When God reminds me that He is with me through it all, but I just don’t ever want to go through anything else. 

– When I can’t take the Christmas Tree down because that means we are moving on. 

– When things I’ve always known just don’t make sense anymore.

– When we are driving in the car and we see an accident and the debris comes flying at us.

– When the doctor tries to convince me that our kids MUST get the flu shot because the flu is killing children. – When I have a good day, but the tears still some. – When the tears come and they won’t stop. – When people don’t know what to say. – When people say nothing.

– When Christiano’s friends come, and I’m in awe of their courage.

– When I wish that I spent more time with them when he was here.  – When I laugh, but then feel guilty.

– When I’m too exhausted to go on. 

– When people are moving forward, and we won’t ever be fully able to.

– When people mean well, and they tell me I’m not going to stay here, but HERE is all I can see for now. 

– When people confront me about what I share and what I post and what I feel.

– When that grieving mother chats with me on FB for hours and completely gets where I’m at. 

– When I’m afraid to misrepresent God and who He is, but then He leads me to write a blog and put my heart out there for the world to see. 

– When I find out it’s helping people and leading them back to God.

 – When I wonder if I’m going to ever get through this; if I’m normal or crazy.

– When I find an article that helps me know that all of this is normal. 

Here is just a piece of the article. 

‘The grief response following sudden loss is often intensified since there is little to no opportunity to prepare for the loss, say good-bye, finish unfinished business or prepare for bereavement. Families and friends are suddenly forced to face the loss of a loved one instantaneously and without warning. This type of loss can generate intense grief responses such as shock, anger, guilt, sudden depression, despair and hopelessness.

A sudden tragic event shatters our sense of order and thrusts us into a world forever changed. Survivors of sudden loss may experience a greater sense of vulnerability and heightened anxiety. The safe world we once knew, no longer exists. We fear for ourselves, our family and friends. Survivors can become overwhelmingly preoccupied with thoughts that such a random act of violence might happen again.’

– When all of the above happens in a weeks time.

– When I know that we will overcome, but I can’t help wondering when or how. 

– And lastly; 

When I do my best to surrender it all to The Lord. This is the one I must do constantly, as best I know how. 

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