It’s So Far From Over

It’s so far from over.

Almost every single morning, since Christiano’s passing, I’ve woken up with a severe headache. It takes me quite some time to even be able to pull myself up out of  bed, and when I do finally manage to get up, it takes me some more time to find my bearings. I’m never quite sure how I’m actually doing, until about an hour or so after I’m up. This tragedy has also brought on random stomach aches. I believe they start off as mental anxiety then change over to full fledge physical symptoms. Actually, my belly has felt squeamish most of the time, since October 24, 2013.

It’s so far from over. 

Tonight, Chris and I were able to snatch some much needed time to talk. We got about fifteen minutes in, when we heard one of our children crying from his bedroom. We had him come to us in the living room, where he just wept and wept for his brother. Chris and I did our best to comfort him, but it is so hard because it hurts so badly. When one of our kids is upset, it’s as though the wind is knocked out of us and there’s no way for us to catch our breath. For me, it starts with a knot that begins to form at the top of my stomach.  I have to speak to my body to get it to calm down and not head into full fledge panic mode. Anxiety is something that has tried  to creep up on me constantly. It is the worst at night, when all else around me is silent. The more quiet my surroundings are, the more nagging and forceful it becomes. I’ve been doing my best to make my mind think about something good, but this is never an easy feat. I, eventually, fall asleep from the utter exhaustion that follows every battle in my mind. 

It’s so far from over.

Seeing our children hurting is like experiencing the loss of Christiano over and over and over again. All a mom wants is for her babies to be alright; to have absolute peace and ultimate joy. And, all Chris and I have ever wanted, as parents, is for our kids to know God and to experience a wonderful life in Him. We have always trusted God to provide that for them, and we believe that somehow He is still doing just that. 

It’s so far from over, and life is messy. We went from being whole to feeling broken – from being full to feeling so empty. This isn’t the life we wanted… Not by a landslide. 

But, life.

 It’s so far from over. 

And God has a plan for us. 

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