Two Months

It’s been two months.

Two months since I received the dreaded call that changed my life forever. 

Two months since the police officer told me you had a long road ahead. 

Two months since one of the doctors told us you had a severe brain injury, but she was hopeful because you had bitten down on the trachea pipe.

Two months since they told me they had to put you into an induced coma.

Two months since another doctor came in and told me there was no hope; that you, my first born son, had sustained unsurvivable injuries.

Two months since I prayed to God; pleaded and believed with such intensity.

Two months since I believed that no harm would ever come our way. 

Two months since I stroked your face and felt your heart beating with my hand. 

Two months since I rubbed your toes and covered you up for the last time. 

Two months since I watched your father, your sister and your brothers say tearful goodbyes to you. 

Two months since I watched your dad kiss you and stroke you and love on you with everything in him.

Two months since I watched them try and shock you back to life, at least, seven times. 

Two months since I believed with everything inside of me that I was going to see a miracle and that you would be that miracle.

Two months since your heart stopped beating, and you breathed your last breath. 

Two months since I realized that my miracle wasn’t coming; not in the way I wanted it.

Two months since I realized you were no longer here. 

Two months since I’ve kissed you or held you. 

Two months since my heart broke in ways that seem irreparable. 

Two months since the person that changed my world forever, would no longer reside in my world. 

Two months since my first born son returned home to his Heavenly Father. 

Two months of grief and pain and suffering; and sometimes, it is more than I can bear. 

Two months of The Lord holding me up and keeping me, even in my darkest hours.

Two months of wondering how I will ever be normal again.

Two months of God reassuring me that He is somehow working things together for my good. 

Two months of questions that go unanswered and a brain that never stops.

Two months of God quieting my soul in spite of the loudness and clanging thoughts in my mind. 

Two months of faking a smile and crying alone at night. 

Two months of the occasional real smile that comes when I least expect it.

Two months of me asking why?

Two months of me not knowing. 

Two months of dreading our first Christmas without our child.

Two months of wanting you back.

Two months of not wanting this to be real, but here we are…

It’s been two months. 

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